3.26.2014

It's Been 9 Months...


My life has changed, dramatically, over the last 9 months.

I lost myself. I divorced. I moved. I was lonely. I made major mistakes. I was depressed. I gained weight and was unhealthy. I lost interest in hobbies I once had. I hit rock bottom.

I was picked up my my friends and family. I am loved. I am supported. I am strong. I am happy. I am reclaiming my health and my life. I am even more independent than I ever have been. I found myself.

Life has been rough for a few years now, but I've made it through and I'm proud of all of my accomplishments - personally and professionally. I feel like I'm on my way back up. I felt like I was in a very dark place for a long time over the last 9 months. I was miserable and lonely. I felt like I had nothing.


My divorce wasn't messy. It was mutual. It was a soggy marriage for quite some time. Realistically it was a marriage that never should have happened in the first place. We were stuck in the motions of what comes next in a relationship. We were young and misinformed. High school, college, move in together, 2-year engagement, graduate college, marriage...rut. I know, everyone has ruts. But this was one we weren't ever going to get out of. It's the same one we had always been in. We've talked since the divorce and both agree on these things, and we're okay with it. We understand that we should have found ourselves separately before completely depending on each other and holding resentment for what the other "wouldn't allow" us to experience. There was no fixing that. We're great friends, but nothing more beyond that.

The divorce was hard because I was with my ex-husband 24/7 for 9 years of my life. I'm 26 - which means I was 16 when we started dating. {Yes, I can do math - I was 25 when we divorced.} I never lived alone. I never really had a day without someone there for me the way he was. I didn't know how to completely be alone and be happy with myself.

The best advice I received from a few of my coworkers was you have to love yourself and be content with being alone before you can even think about starting up a relationship with someone new. I ignored this and started dating right away because I believed I was fine. Free. Happy. I had known that things wouldn't be fixed between my ex and I for awhile now, so I thought I was ready to just "get out there" and start casually dating. I was wrong.


I jumped into a relationship with someone that was nice to me, but who I didn't truly feel the same about. He was willing to be there for me, whenever I needed him. He was actually too accommodating for me. Within two weeks of our first date he was calling me his wife {as a joke}, telling me he loved me, talking about plans for us to move away to a different state together to "start our own life together". It completely freaked me out and I knew that it wasn't what I wanted. I told him things were moving too fast for me and I wanted to slow down, considering that I had just gotten divorced months earlier. It wasn't something that was okay with him, and he changed in the way that he treated me. Eventually I realized that I just had to break things off completely because it wasn't worth staying in a relationship, even for another day, with someone that I wasn't absolutely invested in. It was a waste of both of our time.

I took a few months off completely from dating. Not even a date just to get out of the house. I was in a dark place. I just felt like my future was dull because I'm 26, divorced, unhealthy, and now heavily in debt, living paycheck to paycheck. I thought about giving up my life here in Utah and moving back to Pennsylvania because I felt alone. I thought "things" would help fill my void I was feeling from not having someone to take care of in my life anymore. Little did I know, I needed to be taken care of more than anything - and possessions weren't going to fix me. It's tacky, because you hear that all of the time, but when you're sinking, you seem to lose sight of everything that you once held in your "common sense" box as a "duh" piece of advice.


I leaned on those in my life who were there to support me. They reminded me of the things I do have that I should be grateful for. They reminded me of my great qualities. They reminded me that I do deserve someone wonderful in my life who I am completely head over heels for - and who feels the same about me in return - and that eventually I will find that. They reminded me that I am strong.

I focused on myself. I started to get back into my hobbies that I used to love. I found new hobbies. I started to exercise three times a week and eat better with the support of my friend, Kelli-Ann. I have built relationships up with people who I'm acquainted with, but didn't know well. I'm a better communicator, a better teacher, a better person all around. I feel alive again.


I share my story because it's healing for me. :) When soul searching, I looked for the same motivational stories online to inspire me to keep my head up. Maybe this will help someone else who is going through something similar.



18 comments:

  1. {{{Hugs}}} I am so happy you are finding your new groove! Keep it up!

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I am a college senior and am really feeling the pressure to get engaged and to feel shitty because I'm single (I'm also a teaching major so I really feel you.. haha). Your post reminded me that putting yourself first is the most important thing you can do.
    I hope blogging will become a source of comfort and support, as it has to me!

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  3. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you. You're so fortunate to have people around you who care about you and help you get back on the right path. Best wishes for a wonderful future.

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  4. Thanks for sharing! I am in a 6 yr relationship with my Boyfriend, but I still feel the pressure to get married, to do this, to do that, (We have plans but, not right away). Friends getting engaged, getting married, having kids, I have my puppy and the BF... Sometimes I feel sad, depressed , because I feel like I should already be married, having my first kid, but I am learning that everything should be at the correct time, no pressures, just me and him and our time... Your post reminded me of this... Thanks!

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  5. I am so very happy that you are getting back on your feet. I know exactly how you feel. In a long term relationship, married for a year and a half and then all the sudden everything was taken from me. I was 25, divorced and barely scraping by. It does take time, and there are still days (5 years later) that I struggle, but it does get easier! Having family and friends to lean on is an absolute must!

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  6. sending a virtual hug to you!!

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  7. Glad to hear things are getting better for you. I totally agree that you have to be content with yourself, your life and being alone before being ready to welcome someone else in. I married and divorced within 3 years at about the same age. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but I knew people who were going thru worse so I didn't feel quite as bad for myself. I really thought I would never marry again, date, live with someone, sure, but never marry. Six months after the divorce was final I met my now husband for our first date. I never thought I'd meet someone that quickly, but I'd had a year of being separated plus that 6 months to just be happy in where I was and getting past the guilt of divorcing in the first place. I'd do it all again to be where I am today. But I'm thankful I had time to accept that it might just be only me for the rest of my life and I had to be ok with that.

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  8. Thank you for sharing. I am glad that you are finding your way back to you! Best of luck in your journey.

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  9. Thanks for sharing, through adversity there is strength and growth. I been in that pit and I empathize. Great post!

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  10. I have no doubt that your post will help someone else who is going through something similar. It takes a strong person to be able to put themselves out there in such a public forum so you should be very proud of yourself. I am sure you are much stronger than you realize. Congratulations on finding your way :-)

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  11. Thank you for sharing this. I was in a similar situation. I married young and was divorced by the time I was 25. It's so incredibly hard. 8 years later I'm in a relationship that is amazing. It's a hard road to get there, but your strength is amazing. You're capable of so much more than you ever than you ever thought you were.

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  12. Thanks for sharing. It is hard going thru a divorce...and getting through all the hurts etc. I got remarried shortly after my divorce because I just wanted someone to love me. It was a bad decision. I have now been living with that decision for the last 10 years. I'm trying to decide whether to make it work on deal with the fact that I made a poor decision when I was in a vulnerable place.
    Good job for realizing that before it was too late.
    Glad you're back!

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  13. So happy that you found you again! Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to get where you're supposed to be, only because you weren't headed in the right direction. I'm glad you are making a healthy life for yourself!

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  14. I completely understand. It is a long, difficult journey, but life is quite a challenge. We come out on the other side braver, stronger, and smarter. Congrats! I applaud your bravery to share also. Very intense, personal feelings are tough to share, but is usually so lightening. I enjoy reading your blog!

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  15. I've enjoyed your site for some time, but haven't commented before. I want to say thank you for sharing your journey! This required a lot of bravery and strength to put everything out there, and I know this will help a lot of people. I think when we share the hardest parts of our lives, it can strengthen others and then we can see how, even in a small part, there is something to be gained from the pain we went through. Thank you for sharing your story!

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  16. I can relate to so many aspects of your post. I have had many similar life events. It sounds so cliche to say that you need to know and love yourself but it is so true! Congruatulations to you for learning the life lessons that you need to empower yourself for your next adventure. After my divorce at 30, I wallowed for a while but then started on a path of slow and steady self discovery. I found that it melted away all of the external pressures to find a new mate, have kids, etc. It gave me so much patience to seek out life's adventures and see what materilized. Over the next 5 years, I think I went on less than 10 dates but, that was just the right amount because I ended up meeting my second husband and starting a family. Best of luck to you. It sounds like you are in a great place! Cheers to new beginnings!

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  17. Thank you so much for posting this. I just turned 22 and just went through a break up after 5 years of being together. Our break up was a mutual decision because we knew that we didn't want to take the next step just because it was a rational next step. Neither of us knew how to be on our own and we both want to have experiences as individuals. We both care about each other and we may end up together someday. Your post helped me realize how important it is that we are doing this now, no matter how hard it is.

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  18. Hi Tiffany. Thank you for sharing. I was reading your blog all the time and have even purchased a few things from your shop. When google reader was closed down I lost access to the blog I read and am just starting to reconnect with some. I am sorry you had to experience this but am happy to see you are healing. I will pray that your healing continues and that each day you become stronger and more connected to yourself.

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